- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -

- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -
A life story, about bad decisions, mistakes, and lessons learned. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it - but it's always for a good cause.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't want to need at all.

"Let's take away all of our senses and if we still feel then maybe it wasn't so worthless." (Anon.)

My shift started, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to work. After the conversation I just had, you can't blame me. I tried not to spend too much time around him. But the worst part was trying to act like everything was okay. I'm okay at lieing, but not at hiding my feelings. Especially not that.

I'm so easy to read, I'm an open book.

A lot of people noticed.

Automatically, Alix came up to me and asked me what was up - and I had to tell her everything. Everything about our conversation, and our friendship. She was surprised.

On the other hand... John wasn't. And he told me, again, to watch my back. I shrugged it off.

"How can you like... Simon? I mean... no offense or anything. But he's like, totally not my type." Alix said, wrinkling her nose. She was adorable.

"Yeah. Weird. You like Simon." John said. "I'm not surprised though."

"Why?" I asked John.

"Just... seems like something you would do." He laughed awkwardly.

I quirked a brow. Really. I didn't think I was -that- predictable.

John lifted his hands in defeat.

"I didn't mean that as an insult! Jeeze. Don't give me the glare of death, there, Kate."

Alix and I laughed.

"Well. No need to worry about it, I guess." I said, very unimpressed. "He won't do anything about it." I lowered my voice talking about it. "He said it'd be like betraying Eric or something. So I just have to suck it up and try to get over him, I guess." I shrugged.

The rest of the night went awfully slow. I was sent home early, which was great because then I could refuse a ride home with Simon. I wasn't exactly in the mood to see him, you know? I kind of just wanted my alone time. I was also worried that I might start moping and simmering again. And god knows I didn't want to do that again.

As I walked home, the quiet of the winter surrounded me. The cold air nipped at my nose and my fingertips, and tiny flakes sprinkled from the sky like confetti. It was almost calming.

And I realized one of those little simple things of life. People worry too much. They stress out and they forget the simple pleasures of life - like the smell of freshly mowed grass on a sunny summer day. Or the beauty of the night sky, a shooting star soaring across, lighting up the darkness. The snow falling on a dark, cold night - peaceful, beautiful, and calming.

It was nice to just stop... and see the world. Shut my brain off. Look around me. Watch the earth, nature, and the simplicity of it all. And realize how small my problems really were.

I shook my head, and walked the rest of the way home, kicking off my snowy shoes in the entryway of the attic apartment, and went to the kitchen to boil the kettle. I needed tea. It was my new addiction.

As I was steeping a large mug of chai-green tea, my roommate Celestine walked into the kitchen. I didn't know her that well, but she was always so cheerful and friendly towards me. I smiled a big, surprisingly happy smile at her. She smiled back, and said with that cute little accent:

"Hello, Kate. How are you?"

I kinda shrugged. "Not really the best. But, trying to keep positive. What about you?"

She sighed, her breath blowing her curly bangs away from her face.

"So stressed. Teaching down here is a lot of work." She giggled femininely. "But I enjoy it. It keeps me busy!"

I nodded at her, suddenly at a loss of words.

"Hey, listen. I was wondering..." She started slowly, her cheeks blushing a little pink color. "A few of my friends and me are going out to a cute little pub down the street. I wondered if you wanted to come?"

I smiled at her, but shook my head.

"Maybe not tonight. I've got quite a bit of homework. But... definitely another time! I'd like to hang out with you."

She nodded sadly, but smiled.

"Okay. That is fine. I will come find you next time!!"

After she walked back into her room, I went to mine and locked the door, and curled up in bed with a big comfy blanket, and pulled out a book.

I wasn't going to worry about these feelings anymore. I was going to let them stay or leave. Whatever they wanted to do. I hated those conflicting feelings: being terrified and excited at the same time. Terrified that it might not happen, and excited of the chance that it would. It was time to just stop stressing - stop thinking about it.

In someone's own special words: I was just going to 'go with the flow'.

Sometimes... in certain situations, only... it works.

In this case, it kind of did.

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