- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -

- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -
A life story, about bad decisions, mistakes, and lessons learned. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it - but it's always for a good cause.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Mistake #9: Surrender

"Time is only wasted, so why wait for eventually?" (Alicia Keys)

For the next few weeks I was busy - really busy. I had no idea why, but for some strange reason my shifts at Kieran's had multiplied, and I was getting a lot more hours. Not only that, but I had school work coming out the ass. It was exam time, before christmas break, so I had a lot on my plate.

Which meant - I had no time to be stressed.

It was kind of nice.

Christmas break came quicker than I had expected, and I was going home to visit with my family. My mother and my father had been divorced for years, and my father had remarried. My mom lived closer than my dad did, and I usually spent more time at mom's over christmas break. I don't know why, though. I was always closer with my father than with my mother.

Mom only lived about a half-hour from town which made it really easy to travel back to my apartment if I ever needed anything. The only problem was that I didn't drive... so I needed to find someone to take me everytime I was going to visit.

One day over the break, our family had sat down for a movie night, which we do often. Mom had rented a few movies we hadn't seen before, and we'd bought snacks and drinks.

We had started watching this one movie - and were about half-way through it - when the phone rang. And, I don't know about you... but my mother has this thing with answering the phone. Even if we're watching a movie, she has to answer it, like it might be some big important news or something.

It was for me.

I was confused... because I didn't know who it might be. It wasn't like I had any big plans, other than working in a few days. But. It caught me completely off guard.

I answered the phone.

"Hey, Kate?" a girl said on the other line.

"Alix?" I asked, confused out of my mind. "Are you calling from work... ?"

"Yeah. Uh." She paused awkwardly. "Can you talk to Simon?"

I paused this time.

"Does he need something? Why didn't he just call me himself?" I laughed slightly, not completely convinced that it was funny.

"Uh. Well. No." She seemed distracted. "Just.... uh. Talk to him. Distract him."

There was some jumbling noises, as if the phone was being passed around.

"Hello?" A very raspy voice said on the other end.

"Simon? Are you okay?"

"Uh. Fine. Just..." He trailed off. "Say something. Anything. Make me laugh."

He spoke quickly, in a hurry. I wondered if he had some axe murderer after him, and just -had- to call me to make sure I was okay. Scratch that thought.

"Well... I don't really know what to say..." I said, searching my mind desperately for words. I was so bad under pressure.


He sounded desperate.

"Uhh. Well. Obviously. I'm home now, at my mom's." I said stupidly. I sound so dumb sometimes. "It's movie night, so we rented a few... Pan's Labyrinth? Have you seen that one?"

I didn't wait for him to answer. All I could hear was his breathing on the other line.

"It's not too bad. It's extremely gorey, if you like that kind of stuff. I mean... I don't mind gore. I'm not a pansy, or anything." I laughed awkwardly. "It's a little depressing, though, so... not really a happy-go-lucky kinda movie, you get me?"

There was silence for a few moments, the steady beat of my heart loud in my ears.

"Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" I asked, still slightly confused, but also feeling slightly strange. I really didn't understand what was going on.

"I'm... sorry for bothering you."

"Simon. Wait. What happened?" I asked again. Still with the questions.

"I'm alright. My ex... just is a pain in the ass. She was really starting to aggravate me, so... I needed to calm down." He paused for a moment. "You seemed to do that pretty well."

"Well. Good. I'm glad I was some sort of help." I smiled on the phone, although I knew he couldn't see it. I'm sure he could hear it in my voice, though.

He put Alix back on the phone.

"What was that all about?" I asked her. Obviously I wasn't going to take Simon's word for it that he was okay.

She let out a long, stressful breath.

"Long story short? Sarah came into work tonight with a bunch of Simon's friends... I guess they still all hang out. Anyways. They had all been drinking. Sarah decided to kiss Greg on the lips... right in front of him. Simon freaked... yelled at her for a bit, made a big scene, so I made him stop and come back to sit in the staff room to calm himself. He nearly punched me right in the face! I was so nervous. I tried to calm him down... I just..."

"He tried to punch you? What?" I was appalled.

"Well. He looked like he was going to punch me in the face... but he punched the cupboard beside my face. There's a giant dent.... yeah. It's all a little messed up." She sounded a little shaken up.

"You're okay?"

"Yeah, Kate. I'm fine. Thanks."

"It's the least I can do to help out. Jeeze, I didn't realize that -that- was what was going on!"

She laughed a little on the other line.

"Yeah. Drama central up here! Sorry for bothering you."

"I'm really glad you did." I smiled, and shook my head.

"Have fun at home, see you when you get back."

"Thanks Alix. Bye."

After hanging up the phone, I felt happy. Maybe I shouldn't have been happy, but I was. I had helped out without even knowing it. And maybe... just maybe, I didn't have to give up on Simon yet. Maybe he might just come around.

I know. Giving up on my awesome plans? On my independence? I do that a lot. I'm an idiot.

But really, who doesn't surrender to affection?

There are a lot of lonely people out there. And I'm one of them.

Surrender was easy. Surrender was safe. Surrender was a terrible idea.

And I let it happen.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't want to need at all.

"Let's take away all of our senses and if we still feel then maybe it wasn't so worthless." (Anon.)

My shift started, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to work. After the conversation I just had, you can't blame me. I tried not to spend too much time around him. But the worst part was trying to act like everything was okay. I'm okay at lieing, but not at hiding my feelings. Especially not that.

I'm so easy to read, I'm an open book.

A lot of people noticed.

Automatically, Alix came up to me and asked me what was up - and I had to tell her everything. Everything about our conversation, and our friendship. She was surprised.

On the other hand... John wasn't. And he told me, again, to watch my back. I shrugged it off.

"How can you like... Simon? I mean... no offense or anything. But he's like, totally not my type." Alix said, wrinkling her nose. She was adorable.

"Yeah. Weird. You like Simon." John said. "I'm not surprised though."

"Why?" I asked John.

"Just... seems like something you would do." He laughed awkwardly.

I quirked a brow. Really. I didn't think I was -that- predictable.

John lifted his hands in defeat.

"I didn't mean that as an insult! Jeeze. Don't give me the glare of death, there, Kate."

Alix and I laughed.

"Well. No need to worry about it, I guess." I said, very unimpressed. "He won't do anything about it." I lowered my voice talking about it. "He said it'd be like betraying Eric or something. So I just have to suck it up and try to get over him, I guess." I shrugged.

The rest of the night went awfully slow. I was sent home early, which was great because then I could refuse a ride home with Simon. I wasn't exactly in the mood to see him, you know? I kind of just wanted my alone time. I was also worried that I might start moping and simmering again. And god knows I didn't want to do that again.

As I walked home, the quiet of the winter surrounded me. The cold air nipped at my nose and my fingertips, and tiny flakes sprinkled from the sky like confetti. It was almost calming.

And I realized one of those little simple things of life. People worry too much. They stress out and they forget the simple pleasures of life - like the smell of freshly mowed grass on a sunny summer day. Or the beauty of the night sky, a shooting star soaring across, lighting up the darkness. The snow falling on a dark, cold night - peaceful, beautiful, and calming.

It was nice to just stop... and see the world. Shut my brain off. Look around me. Watch the earth, nature, and the simplicity of it all. And realize how small my problems really were.

I shook my head, and walked the rest of the way home, kicking off my snowy shoes in the entryway of the attic apartment, and went to the kitchen to boil the kettle. I needed tea. It was my new addiction.

As I was steeping a large mug of chai-green tea, my roommate Celestine walked into the kitchen. I didn't know her that well, but she was always so cheerful and friendly towards me. I smiled a big, surprisingly happy smile at her. She smiled back, and said with that cute little accent:

"Hello, Kate. How are you?"

I kinda shrugged. "Not really the best. But, trying to keep positive. What about you?"

She sighed, her breath blowing her curly bangs away from her face.

"So stressed. Teaching down here is a lot of work." She giggled femininely. "But I enjoy it. It keeps me busy!"

I nodded at her, suddenly at a loss of words.

"Hey, listen. I was wondering..." She started slowly, her cheeks blushing a little pink color. "A few of my friends and me are going out to a cute little pub down the street. I wondered if you wanted to come?"

I smiled at her, but shook my head.

"Maybe not tonight. I've got quite a bit of homework. But... definitely another time! I'd like to hang out with you."

She nodded sadly, but smiled.

"Okay. That is fine. I will come find you next time!!"

After she walked back into her room, I went to mine and locked the door, and curled up in bed with a big comfy blanket, and pulled out a book.

I wasn't going to worry about these feelings anymore. I was going to let them stay or leave. Whatever they wanted to do. I hated those conflicting feelings: being terrified and excited at the same time. Terrified that it might not happen, and excited of the chance that it would. It was time to just stop stressing - stop thinking about it.

In someone's own special words: I was just going to 'go with the flow'.

Sometimes... in certain situations, only... it works.

In this case, it kind of did.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mistake #8: Terrified & Excited

"We'll take a ride, just us alone. We'll find our answers on the road." (Goot)

Days went by. I sat and moped and simmered and sat. My feelings congealed and collected and overflowed. My thoughts didn't get anywhere. My brain was a jumbled mess of emotion.

All the things that I told myself - all the things that I tried to say to myself - didn't work. Everything I thought might help my problem only made it worse.

Okay. So I had a major crush on Simon.

Was there anything really -wrong- with that?

Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he was oblivious.

Maybe he did know.

Maybe he didn't feel the same way.

I told my brain to shut the fuck up.

I felt as though I was going to explode. As if all this feeling would drive me to the point of extinction. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to make a decision. Although, you all know me and decisions.

I was absolutely confused.

After about ten cups of green tea, and one hundred laps around my dorm-room style bedroom, I decided instead of moping and simmering that I would take action (in order for me to even make this decision I had to slap myself around a bit). And even after convincing myself what to do, I had to tell my stomach to stop flip-flopping all over the place when I got to work that night.

It was awful.

I walked in the doors, waving half-heartedly to the people on staff that night. It was supper-time, but it was also a tuesday night, so we didn't have much business. The few regulars in for a coffee, or a bite to eat. There were even a few loners at the bar, drinking their troubles away. I could relate - I would rather be doing that then confronting them.

Total random thought: isn't it funny how most people would rather run away from their problems than deal with them? It's almost easier to leave them all behind, and have a fresh start somewhere else with someone else. And here I was - me!! The one who makes all the mistakes? Yeah. That's me. Interesting, isn't it? That one of my decisions actually made sense?

It wasn't that I had made the right decision, either. I mean, who can really tell at the time of the decision making, right? And, really, are there any right-and-wrong decisions? Either way, you change something in your life - some aspect of your being - and, it will therefore change your future. Whatever you decide will impact what happens later on in your life.

That makes you wonder. What would have happened if I hadn't made that decision?

What would have happened if I had chosen not to tell Simon my feelings?

It probably wouldn't have made much a difference, really. This was a minor decision in my life. And one, that maybe in the long run, would have changed my life a lot. But I had decided that I liked Simon. And I wanted to become more than friends with him. I wish I had known him as well as I thought I had. But we'll get into that later on, I promise.

He saw me immediately as I came back into the kitchen. I looked up at him timidly. He smiled that wry grin of his, and my heart played tricks on me. I tried smiling back.

"Hey, Kate." He said as he wiped his hands on a cloth, and set it back on the counter.

"Simon." I nodded once. He furrowed his brows.

"What's up? Is there something wrong?" He closed the distance between us, and brushed a stray hair away from my face. I closed my eyes and tried not to breathe. Wow. Just wow.

"Uhh. Well. We need to talk."

He only nodded, not stepping away from me.

"Outside. Alone." I said awkwardly, avoiding his gaze.

"Sure. Yeah."

He followed me outside, and sat on one of the empty crates. I stood. I couldn't stand to sit. I was too nervous. And I needed to pace.

He watched as I walked back and forth, never looking at him.

"You seem so worked up." He said, amusement hiding in his eyes. I wanted to glare at him, but didn't dare look over there. Instead I crossed my arms, and kept walking.

"Listen. Simon." I said, ignoring his comment. "I... this is going to be hard for me to say to you. So... just bare with me." He just nodded.

I took a deep, -deep- breath.

"So. I've been thinking a lot lately. And... I'm not sure if you've noticed. But I've been acting a lot differently in front of you..."

He nodded again.

"It's because... well. You know. You've been so great to me these past few months. And you've driven me home from work multiple times. And you've talked with me, and let me vent to you about my problems, and given me some really good advice. And you've been a friend to me. And that's something that... I really needed. As much as I have friends - I do! I really do - they're just not as good as you've been to me. And... well."

He stopped me.

"I know. I know what you're saying."

I stood there, deadpanned.

"You... know?"

Okay. Maybe I had been the oblivious one. He wasn't being all cocky and smiling at me because he thought it was funny that I was all worked up. It was because he had known all along my feelings towards him. He had known. And I thought - oh, yeah, he'll totally know what the hell all these signs mean - but I didn't think that he would actually figure it out. Was I really that dense?

"Yeah. I do. I've known this whole time."

"You... have?"

God. Punch me in the face, please.

He got up from his crate, and came towards me. He was so close to me that I could smell his cologne. So close that I could feel his warmth. So close... that he placed his hand on my hip, his touch sending chills all the way up my spine. I looked up into his eyes, our noses almost touching.

"I feel the same way, Kate. And... actually," He laughed sadly. "I'm surprised you didn't notice. Because, I've liked you for a while. But."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.

"I knew there was going to be a 'but'."

His hand slid off my hip, and he backed away from me slowly, the warmth leaving from my skin. I was sad it was gone, but I didn't touch him.

"We just got out of serious relationships."

I nodded, waiting for him to finish.

"Mine... of a long, long time. Yours. Well. Of almost a long time. But..." He trailed off for a second, shaking his head. "Technically. You've been broken up with Eric for like, a few weeks? And me... about a month. Don't you think I'm just a rebound on you? Or... you're just a rebound on me?"

I frowned at him.

"No. You wouldn't be a rebound."

"How do you know?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "Because I just know, okay? Like... I don't know how to explain it. I know you wouldn't be a rebound. You're not just a crush. I... really like you, okay?"

He nodded again. But he didn't seem convinced.

"There's something else, isn't there?" I asked, clearly not happy how this conversation was going.

"Eric. He and I... we're pretty good friends, you know?"

I nodded again. "Yeah. You guys are friends."

"I... I don't know if I could do that to him. You know. It's like, a guy-rule. Don't date your friend's ex. It's like... a terrible thing to do. I don't want to hurt him. It would be like betraying him."

"I... I guess I understand." I swallowed hard.

He came closer again. I inhaled sharply.

He kissed my forehead.

I think my heart stopped beating.

"I'm sorry, Kate. But... we can't do this now."

I nodded stupidly.

He walked back inside.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm there - where are you?

"Take me away where the bright lights don't shine,
Where darkness engulfs, where it surrounds.
Where we can sit, and sink into the earth,
Hoping that we'll melt all of our troubles into the soil.
Let me touch my lips with yours, soft and sultry.
You can take my hand and we'll gaze at the sky;
The only light in this run down place.

Take me away where the ocean is endless.
Where we can bury our toes into the sand and salt.
Where the water aches in my bones and
The waves spray me with cold wetness.
I hope that you'll laugh when we carefully
Walk down the beach and I press my lips against your cheek.

Take me away: driving in your car,
The music so loud I can't concentrate -
But I don't need to, because
In that moment, I'm there."
(I'm there - where are you? - m. blaxland)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Phase Two: The Nightmare --- Mistake #7: Two and two together

“And I’ll say he never hurt me, and look at it as learning…” (Silverstein)

Everyone found out within weeks. And I hadn't told anyone. It was rapid fire
gossip, as if everyone had magically figured it out. I guess it wasn't that hard.

I was pretty mopey at first. The week after Eric and I had spoken for the last time, I sat at home and didn't talk to anyone. I was a hermit. I went to work, but wasn't all there mentally. One day, I even took a bath, and I just sat in the water, and bawled my eyes out. I don't know what came over me.

It's not like breaking up with Eric was a big deal - it wasn't like he had impacted me that much. I was over the relationship within that week. I guess it was just a shock that he had done the breaking up, and not me. I was ready - I had it all planned out. And he just changed everything that I thought I had figured out. Things seemed to go that way with Eric.

Because he had also kicked me out, I had very little time to find a new place. And because school had already started up, and it was mid-semester, there weren't very many places up for rent.

I ended up with a small, dingy apartment, shared with two other women. And I say women because they were both older than me. I was just turning nineteen at the time. One of the ladies had just moved from China, and was middle aged. She was a scientist. And also spoke very loud Mandarin-Chinese at all hours of the night -and- morning. We didn't speak much. She was pretty shy around me.

The other roommate was from France, and she was closer to my age - she was in her early twenties. And at first, as I said, I didn't really talk to anyone or go out anywhere. I was a hermit. But, as I lived there for longer periods of time, we talked more, and became pretty good friends.

Meanwhile, the apartment was a sketch place. I was paying a pretty damn good price for it, because it was within walking distance of my school, and I had gotten it at such short notice. But. It was dirty. There was no living space. The bedrooms looked like dorm rooms. The kitchen was the size of a small hallway. The bathroom had mold growing in it. The landlord was also a real jerk. But, what can you expect for so cheap in a city?

It was all I could do. I was just glad I -sorta- had my own place. Finally.

One night, I had accepted a drive home from Simon, once again.

It was like I was in elementary school all over again.

Of course we talked. I told him all about what had happened. He didn't have an opinion, this time.

I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked me, leaning over in his seat to stare at me, making me even more uncomfortable. I didn't look in his general direction.

"Yeah. Just... the break up. I'm taking it a lot rougher than I thought." I lied.

"Well, if you're sure that's all that's wrong." He didn't stop staring. "You know. Sarah and I broke up, too."

This caught my attention. I looked up at him abruptly, and immediately regretted it.

He looked over at me. His eyes pierced into mine.

"Things just weren't going well. She... well... she did some things to me that I'm not too happy to talk about." He ducked his head, fiddling with his fingers. I watched them, as if expecting them to do something interesting.

"I... I'm sorry to hear that." I really wasn't. My insides were jumping around excitedly. I told them to stop. It was making me nervous.

"Thanks. I appreciate it." He said to me, smiling so that the side of his mouth curved up playfully. It made my heart skip a beat. So I stopped looking.

We had stopped in front of my new apartment. We always just sat outside and talked - finshed our conversation. He didn't mind. I sure did, at this point.

"Thanks for the drive." I said without lifting my eyes towards him. "I should go inside."

And then. He took his hand, and placed his fingers lightly on my chin, and pulled it upwards so I would look at him. My cheeks blazed up, fiery hot. If he didn't notice that -or- any of the other signs, he was sure oblivious. He could put two and two together. He could probably figure it out.

"If you need anything... you have my number. Give me a call. Or message me." He looked at me with intense attention. Those all-knowing eyes. I looked downwards. "I know what you're going through. I want to help you, Kate."

Even the way he said my name-

I nodded.

"Thanks. I will. See you later, Simon." I stepped out of the car carefully, and practically ran into my apartment. I didn't know what to do.

Obviously, I had a giant crush on Simon. Why wouldn't I? He was there for me. He was being a great friend, someone I could tell anything to, and not expecting anything back. He was the only guy I could trust. He was one of my best friends at the time.

But, god. What were the consequences? As I knew so far, we had both just gotten out of serious relationships. Eric and I had been together for over a half a year. Simon and Sarah had been together for almost two years. They were getting very serious. And even if she had hurt him badly - however she had done so - he still probably had feelings for her. What did that mean for me?

And what was I going to do about it?

I didn't have the guts to tell him yet. I mean. Jeeze. Things with Eric had just happened. He had initiated everything. I had just sat there and 'acted pretty'. I didn't know how to start relationships. I didn't know anything - I was so fucking naiive.

Not to mention, it was a bad idea, so close to breaking up with our exes.

And. Also. Eric and Simon were pretty good friends. How would that effect their relationship?

I wanted so much to not care about it all.

But I wasn't the selfish type. I couldn't just set everything aside for myself. As much as I wanted to.

As much as I desired Simon. I couldn't do it.

Not yet.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Mistake #6: Putting it in reverse

"You said: I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart things will just get worse." (Relient K)

It was going on two weeks of staying at Eric's. Which was so great. It made me feel so much better that I knew I had someone to count on. And that I didn't have to go back to living with Mrs. Bitch.

Speaking of which, Liz was really pissed at me. She had called me one night to tell me not to come back - to pick up my things when I had the chance and, pretty much, GTFO. I had told her to go fuck herself, actually. I would find my own place eventually.

I had been looking. The only places that I had found were grungy and in awful parts of the city. I had decided to wait a little longer. Meanwhile, I had Eric.

The fact that we had had sex... that was hard for me to wrap my head around. It was something I had told myself I'd never do with him. And then... it just happened. It wasn't that I was unhappy about it, although, I felt a little disgusted with myself that I would let down my own morals and boundaries for a guy. But, it was in the past now. What was I supposed to do about that? I had enough problems as it was.

And that brings up the next problem.

Yes. I had Eric.

But. I still hadn't told him anything. And I felt guilty.

Here he was, giving me a place to live - free of cost, FYI - and here I was: lying to him. At least, that's what it felt like to me. I felt like I had done terrible things, and that I needed to tell him. It would effect the way he felt about me, yes. But if he really loved me, he would do anything to stay with me.

I thought I knew him that well.

One night after work, I got a drive back with Simon again, and we talked things through. He was happy for me. As long as I was content with my situation, he would be supportive.

"Thanks for the drive, Simon. You know I appreciate it. And, thank you for cheering me up. You always seem to." I smiled at him before opening the door to the car, but he stopped me with his voice.

"Remember, whatever makes you happy, you should do. Don't think about anyone elses feelings, or their thoughts, or what their reaction would be to your decision because, in the end, it is your life. You make the decisions, and you experience it all. If you're not happy with your own life, how can you live a good life?"

I nod again, and thank him for the millionth time.

I run up the stairs, eager to get home to Eric, and also to sleep. Working while going to university, as I've said, is rough on the body. I was so exhausted that I didn't want to think.

I was definitely going to put off telling him about everything for another night.

But, as I came inside, Eric stood from the couch awkwardly, as if I had caught him doing something he wasn't supposed to. He looked like a child, ashamed.

"Ah, Kate. You're home."

I nod slowly, trying to encode this cryptic behavior. It was confusing me.

"Yes... I am. What's going on, Eric?" I place my hands on my hips.

"I, ah... we've got to talk." He said.

My mouth literally dropped to the floor.

Isn't that the girl's line? What the hell was going on?

"Alright..." I walk over to the couch, sitting. He decides to keep standing. "What do you wanna talk about...?" I ask, still completely dumbfounded.

"I can't do this anymore." He said, avoiding my eyes.

"What?" I ask, not clueing into his words at all.

"I'm breaking up with you." He made his best attempt at an angry face. I knew there was something up with this.

"No you're not." I say, being the stubborn person that I am. My eyebrows furrow as I stare at him. He's still awkwardly standing, looking down at his feet. "What the fuck, Eric?"

"I'm breaking up with you." He said again, as if I hadn't heard him the first time around.

"Yeah, I heard that. What do you mean, 'you're breaking up with me'? What the hell happened that made you decide this?" I ask, getting a little pissed off. More than usual. And it's not usual for me to get angry.

"I can't say." He said mysteriously.

"What the..." I trail off, my hands flying in the air. "Eric, you better fucking explain yourself to me right now. I want to know why you're breaking up with me."

"It's too complicated."

"Fuck you, it's too complicated."

He rubs the back of his neck, making a stressed face.

"If you really wanted to break up with me, there would be a reason." I say, throwing my hands up in the air appropriately.

"I do have a reason, Kate."

"Then tell me what the fuck it is."

There was a pause for a second.

"I know what you did."

And I froze.

I choked up.

"How?" I asked finally.

"That doesn't matter. All that matters right now is that I'm breaking up with you." He said, finally sitting on the coffee table. "Please, just pack your stuff and get out."

"I was going to tell you. I promise." I say, finally looking up at him. He was looking into my eyes now, and he looked hurt and sad. Of course.

"Yeah. Fucking right you were." He didn't say this angrily, but with sadness. And hesitation in every word. He was holding something back.

I took a moment. Then I spoke.

"And that's the only reason you're breaking up with me? Because I drank a little, and smoked a little?" I cross my arms over my chest, trying to fight back a little. I don't like to go down without a fight.

He paused, his mouth forming into a hard line. He shook his head.

"I don't want to talk to you anymore, Kate." He shook his head again. "Please, just leave."

Then it hit me.

I was stupid. I was an idiot.

I was losing my boyfriend because I decided that I would put off telling him about the things I had done. And now it was coming back to bite me in the ass.

I was losing the one person who took me in when I had nowhere to go.

I was losing the person I loved.

A tear fell from my cheek, and it hit my jeans. I nodded to him, but didn't look up.

"I'll get my stuff out by the end of the week, I promise. In the meantime, I'll find somewhere else to stay." I said, my voice shaky. He clenched his jaw, and shook his head for the millionth time.

I got up from the couch, grabbed a suitcase, and started shoving clothing into it messily. Eric sat on the coffee table like an idiot. I cried more. When I was finished, I went to the door, opening it loudly. Suddenly Eric turned and looked at me.

"I'm sorry."

And that was all he said.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. I suppose I should have predicted that I would get into some sort of shit with my own actions. I always do. And yet, at the same time of being sad about it, I was relieved. I was happy. I was ready for something different and for something new.

I was grateful for the things I had experienced with him. And the lessons I had (hopefully) learned. I knew there were more to come. And of course, more stupid decisions and mistakes and discoveries and thoughts. There always would be. This was me: Kate Abbott.

It was the end of the beginning. But the beginning was never over.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What if I wanted to break??

"Here's a marker. Here's my naked skin; our exhibit 'A'. Put a small 'X' where I lost my way." (The Weakerthans)

The next day went as followed.


I jumped out of bed the next morning, after talking to Eric, feeling completely refreshed, and happy. I felt this calm I couldn't explain to myself. Instead of questioning it, I accepted it.

I grabbed a pair of blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and some crazy frog patterned socks and underwear, then had a quick shower. I wrapped my hair up in a giant, oversized yellow towel, and headed to the kitchen for a glass of orange juice. I don't eat breakfast in the morning usually - it makes me feel gross.

Liz is sitting at the table in our small, cramped kitchen, reading a newspaper. She glanced up at me briefly before looking back to her paper. She didn't look impressed.

"Hey Liz." I say, trying to be friendly. Also, I wanted to figure out what the hell was up her ass.

"Hey, Kate." She sipped at a mug of coffee, I can only guess, and flipped the page of her newspaper. "Did you get that lit' assignment finished?" She said after a brief moment.

Oh God. Oh shit. I think.

"Not completely. Did you?" After working part-time, having issues, and being depressed, it's a little hard to remember university. Especially finishing assignments on time. I was going to be in big trouble. "I could probably use a little more work on it." I lie. "Did you want to get together second class to work on it?"

Liz is definitely my perfectionist roommate. She's the one who always has her work done on time, and likes a clean apartment, and gets the best marks in class. She also doesn't really have much of a social life. So that would explain everything.
She shakes her head.

"Sorry, Kate. I've got other plans." I frown. Well, I suppose she's allowed to have a social life if she wanted one. I didn't really care.

"Oh. Alright then." I lean up against the counter, sipping at my orange juice awkwardly. "I guess I can do it on my own then."

I laugh awkwardly.

"Although, without you're help I might be helpless."

"I'm sure you'll find someone else to help you out with that." She glares up at me from the table.

Uh oh.

"Was that supposed to be some sort of cryptic hint? You're going to have to spell it out to me, Liz." I say cautiously.

"I know." Was all she said. I pale slightly.

"You know what?"

"Are you that dense, Kate? Seriously."

She scoffs at me, throwing her paper down on the table.

"How... how did you find out?" I ask, completely dumbfounded.

"How could I not, Kate? You came home last night, and talked on the phone for hours, giggling like a five year old. It's not like I can sleep when you're blabbering with that loud mouth of yours anyways."

I am shocked. Yet again.

"You... you could have told me if I was being too loud." That was all I could say to her.

She scoffs again, getting up from the table.

"I can't believe you. I can't believe that you would go behind my back and do something like this."

I shake my head slowly.

"It's not like I did something bad, Liz. I got back together with Eric. Is that so bad?" I place my hands on my hips defiantly.

"How is that good? He's a terrible guy. You know he's still cheating on you." She crosses her arms over her chest. One step ahead of me, always.

"Okay. That's enough."

I had had enough of this bullshit. This anger for no reason. The controlling, selfish, childish, annoying tendencies. I wasn't going to take this from her anymore. I was going to stand up for myself.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Liz? Really though. All the fuck you do is sit here and bitch at me about how much of an idiot I am, and what stupid decisions I make, and how I'm an awful student, an awful friend, and an awful roommate. Where does that become right? Where the fuck did you come from that you feel you can boss me around, and control my life?

"I am a grown woman. I make my own decisions. I decide what's best for me. I can deal with my own shit. And for fuck's sake! I know I'm a failure. Isn't it enough for me to know, or do you have to fucking remind me every five seconds of my life?

"When did becoming my friend mean controlling my every move, and becoming my mother? Jesus. When did it stop being supportive, and fun, and sticking up for me when I need you? Or even giving a shit about my problems, instead of turning them into your own? Seriously. I'd like to know what the fuck is wrong with you." I breathed a sigh of relief, finally getting it all off my chest.

Then came the fire. Her eyes burned angrily. Her hands were clenched into white knuckled fists.

"You think I'm being unreasonable? When was the last time you asked me how I was, or even bothered to hang out with me? We're roommates, Kate.

"And, fuck you. Don't you dare talk to me like that. I'm the only one around here who gives a shit about your well being, and this is how you treat me? I'm the only one who tries to help you, and this is how I get repaid? Well for god's sake. I'm not helping you anymore."

"Helping me?" I come back with. "Really. That was helping?"

"Yes, it was helping, Kate!" She fumed. "I heard some bad things about him, and I was trying to warn you. Isn't that what you would do for me?"

"Yes. I would. But I would leave it at that, and not get mad at you for staying with him. Fuck, I wouldn't force you into making decisions that you didn't want to make."

"Yeah, I should've rephrased that. Of course you wouldn't do that for me. You don't do a fucking thing for me!" She yelled, her hands flying in the air.

"Oh. I'm sure I'm the bad guy in all of this, then." I shake my head. "You know what hurts me the most, though? Through this all... I've been happy. Eric makes me happy. I would be happy for you if you were goddamned happy."

"I am happy for you." She said quietly.

"No. No you're not."

And I walked out.

I grabbed my coat from the hook by the door, and my purse lying on the floor next to it, and slammed the door behind me. I took the stairs down because I had no patience for the elevator, and ran outside into the cold winter air, my breath coming out in clouds.

Taking a deep breath, I headed to school for the day.

Classes flew by. My mind was elsewhere. At lunch break, I went to my locker to put away some binders. As I was unlocking it, slowly putting in the combination by memory, someone snaked their arms around my waist, and nuzzled into my neck. I laughed, and turned my head slightly.

"Hey, Eric."

"Hey, sweetheart."

I turned in his embrace so we were facing each other. He kissed me briefly on the lips, before proceeding to cover my face in them. I laughed again.

"Eric, Eric. Please! I need to talk to you." I said, still laughing. "I'm serious!"

"Oh, come on. I haven't seen you in like a week. Am I not allowed to love you?"

I laughed again, and shook my head.

"I have something serious to ask you." I said, placing my hands on his forearms gently.

I had it all planned out in my head.

"Okay." He gestured with his hand for us to walk, and I nodded, shutting my locker quickly and taking up his hand gratefully. "Go ahead."

"Liz and I got in a fight this morning." Eric sighed, looking at me with a frown.

"What about this time?"

I glared at him, as if to say, DUH.

"Seriously?" He asked.

"Yes. But that's not the point." I said, taking a deep breath as we headed for the library. Our favorite place on campus. "I'm kinda not really in the mood to like, ever see her again. So... would you mind if I came to your place for a while?"

He looked surprised at first, stopping in his tracks to stare at me. Then he broke out into a wry grin.

"Of course you can. Sweetheart, you can come for as long as you want."

I gave him a peck on the cheek.

"Thanks, hun. I appreciate it." I sighed, feeling a weight lift from my shoulders.

"Don't mention it."

In the back of my mind, I had a little flag going off. But I decided to ignore it. It wasn't important enough for the moment. At least, I hoped it wasn't.

I was so relieved that Eric was going to let me stay at his place for a few days that it didn't even occur to me that this would be the first time I'd ever stayed the night. And how long would this be for? I had no idea. Would I even go back to my old apartment? Would I have to get a new one?

I wasn't liking this train of thought.

Eric and I walked over to his apartment after school, which wasn't very far.

After we had watched some weird art/postmodern movie, and I had cleaned up after dinner, I sat back down on Eric's couch/bed, and cuddled up into his side again. He had his glasses on, which was definitely a turn-on for me, and had his head buried in research papers. His feet were propped up on the coffee table, and he was scribbling away on a notepad. I smiled, my subconcious taking over.

He glanced up at me briefly, and did a double take, the corner of his mouth quirking up mischieviously. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"What are you looking at?"

"Isn't it obvious?" I bit the bottom of my lip, scooting closer to him. "What are you working on?" I ask, looking down at his mess.

"Just some paper for soc'. It's frustrating me." He sighed exasperatedly.

I look up at him, my eyes sparkling, and laugh softly.

He looks back at me, his hand brushing a stray hair from my face. I smile slowly as he moves slowly towards me. As his lips touch mine, I shiver, chills from my spine to my toes, and lean into the kiss more intimately. He pulls me closer, and as the kiss deepens, his tongue finds it's way into my mouth.

I can see where this is going.

But, I don't stop it.

I let it happen.

Eric never finished his research paper.