It seems too wrong to be right.

“Did you feel grief? No. You never felt anything.” (Goot)

A week went by. I didn’t talk to Eric at all. I didn’t see him at work either – he had decided to quit when he started up school again. He found it hard to concentrate on his studies while having other responsibilities.

It was overall a pretty depressing week.

One night after work, I was about to walk home in the dark, like I usually do, when a guy from work offered to drive me. I was sitting in the backroom, making small talk with one of the new employees and packing up my stuff for the night, when Simon (the man behind the meals at Kieran’s) came back and smiled at me.

Simon had always been sweet to me. We usually joked around at work like good friends, but never had hung out outside of work. I liked him. He was someone who I could become best friends with, if we hung out more.

He didn’t sit, but stood by his locker, and slowly entered the combination, glancing up at me briefly.

“You walking home tonight?” He asked politely.

“Yeah, I was planning on it.” I smiled up at him. “Why?”

“Isn’t it a little dangerous walking home at night in a city?”

I snorted.

“Yeah, but no big deal. I do it every night, pretty much.”

He turned to face me, leaning against the locker nonchalantly.

“Let me give you a lift.”

I was shocked.

“Really? Are you sure?”

He nodded. Of course I accepted his offer.


We climbed into his old, beat up car, and he started her up, driving in the direction of my apartment.

“Thanks for doing this.” I said.

“No problem. I just don’t want to see a pretty girl like you get into the wrong company. One of these nights it could happen.” He grinned wryly at me.

I was glad that it was dark, so he couldn’t see my blush.

He blared the music all the way home. I couldn’t hear a damned thing, but I liked it – the cool wind blowing in my loose hair, the music so loud that it probably damaged my ear drums.

For some reason, on that drive home, I confided in Simon. I told him about my relationship problems. I felt as though I could trust him. He understood me, and wasn’t childish about things. He didn’t get upset at me, or angry, and he made me feel like I wasn’t an idiot for once.

“So, you and Eric aren’t doing so well?”

I shake my head.

“My current girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch, too.” He paused, as if scared to reveal his personal life to me. “I don’t know if it’ll last.”

I nod.

“You know what? Everything will work out for the best. Even if you and Eric aren’t meant to be together, you’ll move on with your life and you’ll find someone better.”

Like I said. He understood.

He dropped me off outside my apartment building. I thanked him, not only for the drive, but for the advice, and ran inside out of the cold. I was becoming rather sensitive to temperatures.

When I got in the apartment, Liz was up waiting for me. She looked displeased. I tried my best to smile, to look okay. I don’t think it worked out as planned.

“Let me see.” Was all she said.

“What?”

“Your arms. Let me see.” Finally it clicked. I pulled away, but she grabbed them both so she could look.

By this time they had formed into perfect, white scars, lined from my wrist to the inside of my elbow. She looked up at me with rage in her sapphire blue eyes.

“Really, Kate? Seriously?”

I was speechless.

“Are you this stupid? Cause, I thought you were smarter than that.”

Still nothing.

“Promise me you’ll never do this again.” She stared into my soul with those eyes. “Promise me.”

Should I tell her the truth? Or lie?

“I promise.” I said softly. If I told her the truth, she’d probably murder me in my sleep. Although, as peaceful as it sounded at the moment, I kind of wanted to live my life to see if it would get any better. This was just a dark stage, I reminded myself.

“Good.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“Don’t ever do that again, because I don’t want to have to watch you like a hawk all the time.”

And then she sauntered back into her room and slammed the door.

What a wonderful week this had been turning out to be.

Mistake #2: To Be, or Not To Be?

“I’ve lost all hope. More like, I’ve lost all interest in hoping on something that has no hope left in it.” (Anon.)

Autumn came quickly, the leaves turning their various shades of warmth and falling from the branches – letting go of their previous life with grace. Something that I wish I could do.

University started back up, and I decided to keep my job at Kieran’s. The money was good, and I had friends there. It was a great way to keep me occupied so I didn’t have to think about my life in general. I wasn’t exactly pleased with it, at the moment.

One chilly night, I was on my way to work. As I walked into the bar, I waved at everyone working; silently glad it was fall so I had an excuse to wear a long-sleeved t-shirt to work. Alix was in tonight, and I was glad we would be working together. We’d have some time to catch up on everything. We hadn’t hung out much outside of work yet.

After I had gotten ready in the back room for all of ten minutes, I walked out on the floor, getting into the swing of things at work.

Like I said, Kieran’s is a pretty laid-back job. It was more of a family place than a real party hub. Everyone who came usually had a few drinks, and then migrated to another bar or a club downtown. Tonight was one of those nights.

I noticed one guy at the bar with a scruffy face and a red ball cap on. I asked him his order over the music. He just ordered a beer, and gave me a toothy grin. The first glass didn’t make it back to him, because I dropped all over the floor. As I handed him the second one, he grinned again and said: “Thanks, sweetie.” As if I was his sweetie. I just smiled sweetly and tried not to look in his general direction for the rest of the night.

“Kate, what’s that matter?” Alix asked me when work died down a little. We’re generally not very busy. “You seem so jumpy tonight.”

I shrugged, trying to get away from the subject. “I’m alright.”

Alix seemed unimpressed. She leaned on the counter, looking up at me.

I hesitated for a while.

“Have you ever felt so upset that… that you wanted to hurt in some other way?” I asked slowly.

“What? Like, how?” I shook my head.

“Nevermind.” I said quickly, taking a sip of water, and pouring the rest down the sink in front of me. “It’s just… Eric and I are going through a rough patch.”

I tried to be vague.

“Don’t say I never warned you.” She said. I nodded like an idiot.

When work was over, and we were just finishing mopping the floors and cleaning the counters, Alix approached me again.

“Listen,” She started. “A few friends of mine are having this little birthday party for me in a week or so. Did you wanna come?” She asked energetically. Alix was a very bouncy, energetic person most of the time. “It’ll be fun.”

Usually I didn’t go out. I didn’t really have a social life. I was pretty much a loner when it came to socialization. I smiled at her as best I could.

“I’d love to. Just let me know when it is, and I’ll be there.”

She smiled back. “Good.” She paused for a second, looking as if she were searching for the right words. “I just thought, seeing as you were having a rough time, you might need something fun to look forward to, you know?”

I nodded. “Thanks, Alix.”

I left work and walked home in the dark, yet again. As soon as I got home, I locked myself in my bedroom and put my headphones in. I looked around my room, and it all seemed alien. It seemed evil and terrifying, despite the music that was blaring in my ears. My thoughts went wild again.

I’m not what he needs. I’ve been so fixed on what I need, and he is what I want, and he’s good for me right now. But, I am nowhere near what he needs in a girlfriend.

I was scared, asking myself if I would be able to last for another couple of weeks, or months, or something. Would we last? But, now there’s the question of will he last.

What the hell am I doing?

I need help. I need to find myself. What am I saying?

I hate myself. I hate her so much. This person I am, I want her to leave. I want her to change things and be someone else. I hate her so much.

I don’t know what to do. I would give him anything; I just don’t know what to do about what he needs. I don’t know what he needs. I don’t know what he wants.

I don’t know if he even wants me anymore.

I’m scared that he doesn’t.

Oh god.

We had been having the same reoccurring problems. Over, and over.

Not only had my friends become worse, but the tension in our relationship had become worse, too.

I had gone back to university, and that took up a lot of my free time. As well as still working at the bar. It was as if I were the busiest girl in town, now. We hardly saw each other. That was a problem.

I missed him so much. And I doubted that we even belonged together. I was in love with him, but I knew he didn’t love me back. I was hiding so much from him, and from my friends, and even myself.

Could I handle this pain that was ripping me apart?

To be, or not to be. That was the actual question.



That night, I caved. I called him, and I knew exactly what I was going to say. I was going to come clean about everything that I had been hiding. Slowly, I dialed his number, and I counted the dial tones. One, two, three, and then he picked up.

“Hello?” His voice sounds tired and worn.

“Hey, it’s me.” I say quietly.

“Kate?” He said sleepily.

“Yeah. It’s Kate.”

“It’s good to hear from you, babe.” He said, but he sounded suspicious, and he should have been. “What’s on your mind?”

“I have a confession to make. Can you come over?” I asked quickly.

“I’ll be over in ten.” He hung up.

In exactly ten minutes, I heard a knock at the door. That was one thing this boy was extremely good at – he was never late. He closed the distance between us in two short strides, kissing me slowly.

“I missed you.” I just smiled, and told him to come in.

He sat on the navy couch, and I sat on the coffee table, facing him.

I paused.

“This is going to be really hard for me.” He nodded. “I’ve been feeling pretty down lately… and I…"

I clear my throat.

“Well, I felt so hurt, and so confused about the way our relationship has been going. It’s been pretty rocky lately. I needed some way to channel that bad energy – to feel pain physically, instead of emotionally…”

Before I could finish my sentence, he pulled my left arm towards him, and rolled up my sleeve so fast that I didn’t realize what was happening. He stared for a few moments before I pulled away, a giant scarlet blush covering my whole face.

He looked angry. No, I should rephrase that. He looked ‘displeased’. Ugh.

I looked shocked, and scared.

“You… you…” He said.

“Why?” Was all he could manage.

“I was upset. I needed a venue…”

He shook his head.

“I can’t believe you would do this.” He put his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry.”

He met my eyes, his looking extremely disgruntled with me.

“I’m disappointed in you.” Of course he was.

And this is how things started to get even worse.

“You’re… disappointed?” I asked, maybe just a little bit exasperated.

“Yes.” He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. “It makes me so upset...”

I interrupt. “Could you please, for like, one day, just get angry at me?” My hands are flying in different directions as I talk. When I get angry, this seems to happen without my control. “Just, please. Yell or something!”

He shakes his head.

“Ugh!!” Then I crossed my arms over my chest.

“This is such a juvenile thing to do, Kate. It’s so stupid.”

I grunt.

“Oh, so now I’m stupid? Sure. Thanks.” I say sarcastically. “You know what, that really helps when I’m depressed!!!!”

He shakes his head again.

“Should I leave? I think I’m just going to leave.” He said, standing up.

“I’ve been thinking a lot.” I say to him.

He hesitates, but doesn’t sit back down.

“I can’t talk to you for a while.” I say rapidly. I tend to make rash decisions when I’m upset. I guess it was all about to come out. Oh well.

“You can’t talk to me?” He looked confused.

“Don’t sound all surprised on me.” I paused, and tried to calm my nerves, and my anger. “I think we need to take a break. Things have been rough, and I don’t know if we can do this.”

“Wait, how long is this going to be for?” He interrupted me this time.

“For a week or so. I don’t know, maybe longer.” He was quiet.

“Okay.” He sat down – more like slumped – and stared into thin air. He seemed offended, and I was sure he was. Trust me, I didn’t want to be doing this, but it’s what was happening, and it’s what needed to happen. When I get a gut feeling, I trust it. And it usually pulls me through.

“Look, I dislike this as much as you do. But, we have to actually take some time and think it through, do you understand?” It took me a lot of effort to calm my voice and keep it even. I managed.

“Sure.” I was really not going to get through to him tonight. He was Mr. Stone face, over there. Expression blank and eyes dead.

“You know, I really don’t want to be doing this Eric--”

“Like fuck you don’t.” He gave me a cold stare. I looked at my hands.

Silence.

“Whatever. You take all the time you need.” He stood up, and headed for the door.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I said softly, still sitting on the coffee table. I watched as he opened the door, and put his shoes on.

He glanced up at me for a second. “Fuck you, too.”

And he was gone.

We’ve got to make this last.

“Please, slow down girl, we’re moving way too fast for their world.” (Hawthorne Heights)

The relationship progressed quickly. It never stopped, which I think was a big problem.

We had so much fun together that it was like we never stopped spending time together. We spent too much time together, if you ask me. It was because we couldn’t get enough of each other.

We did everything together. I spent a lot of my free time over at his apartment, and we would make dinner together, and watch movies on end, and he would play his guitar for me (and sing along with that irresistible voice), and we kept ourselves occupied with the physical part of the relationship, too.

But, things started to get rough. I started going through this phase.

It was as if things inside me changed. Something inside me rebelled against myself. I got this completely different mind-set. I started to get very self-defeating. I had always been a little critical on myself, but this was different. I started to hate who I was, and my inner voice was mean and too overpowering. I was going through a strange phase, where I felt all alone. And even he couldn’t help me through it.

Maybe if he had been there for me through that time, maybe things would have been different.

There was one day that I was particularly picky.

I was home alone that night. I had an apartment I shared with one of the girls I went to school with at the time. Liz was a great friend – even better study-buddy. But, she was overly-critical of my life, and I think she felt the need to mother me because mine lived so far away. This was something that drove me nuts about her. Thank the lord she wasn’t home this night.

I had been talking to Eric on messenger, freaking out about our relationship. Well, at least I was freaking out. He had a tendency to be calm in stressful situations. Sometimes I’d wish he were different.

Me: Do you like me?

Eric: Of course, why?

Me: I have these doubts that you don’t even like me at all. Why would you?

Eric: Why do you think I hang out with you so much?

Me: I guess…

Not very reassuring, eh? Of course not. He didn’t help my neurotic behavior. He never really did. That was sign one – my tendency for freaking out about minor problems, and his tendency to never freak out and always be calm. I didn’t feel any less wary. My thoughts at that moment went a little something like this:

I know he likes me, but does he love me? Does he love me like I love him? There are a few flaws that make me doubt. Sometimes I know for sure that he likes me.

Sometimes I don’t know at all. I feel so lost.

Maybe it’s not “I don’t love you” that I fear, though that wouldn’t be reassuring either. Maybe it’s “I think I love you, too”. I’m just being paranoid, and I’m jumping to conclusions. Why am I like that?

I feel so dumb. So idiotic. So vulnerable. I feel like a moron. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I’m so pathetic, but there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s never anything I can do about it.

I can hide from my problems, but that’s not going to fix them.

I felt as though I had no one to go to about my relationship problems without being judged. And, Eric was the only one I gushed to about all my other problems. My friends at school were the worst.

Everyone bugged me about my relationship with Eric. The people at work mostly just warned me about him, and warned me to stay away. But, the girls from university told me terrible stories ‘they had heard’ about him, and tried to convince me to break up with him. Liz especially.

This wasn’t getting any easier.

The stress overwhelmed me that night.

I finished talking to my ‘so called’ boyfriend, that night, which hadn’t helped me at all with my many doubts and conflicting emotions, and sat on my bed, slumping on it with no energy at all.

I was so upset with myself – so angry that the emotion overflowed into anger for myself. I wanted to throw myself against a wall – or throw something up against a wall, I didn’t know exactly.

I felt so much emotional depression, so hurt by my friends, and by my uncaring boyfriend, that it overflowed into a different type of hurt. I wanted to feel real pain – something that would injure me in a different way, and not crush my heart to little pieces.

I may have been overreacting, as I took out my headphones, and listened to the most sad, depressing music I could, while sitting cross-legged on my bed in the dark, and took out an old x-acto knife. I could have been stupid, and idiotic, and a moron – all of the things I felt. I probably was.

At the moment, it felt good.

But, that’s what they all say.

This may seem like a totally stupid and reckless thing to do. Something that I'm sure many people would have an opinion about. But, it's not like I didn't have reason to be upset. And I had no way to vent, no way to take my emotion elsewhere. Besides. It's not like I had friends to talk to. It wasn't like it was the first time Eric had ever done anything like this. It had happened countless times.

As the tears overflowed in my eyes, as I thought about all the terrible things in my life, as I listened to a sad lyric or two, the cut of the knife slit open a rough, ragged slice, and the blood overflowed in small drips – just like my tears.

Your poison’s my intoxication.

“Kiss me like you did. My heart stopped beating. Such a softer sin…” (The Used)

It was the moment that I fell in love with him. That was what had me hooked onto him; dependant on him to keep me happy, reliant on him to be there for me. I fell for him hard.

I was getting off work late that night, the thickness of the bar’s air almost claustrophobic. I was going out back to grab my things and change into something more comfortable. Kieran’s was a laid back place to work, and the dress code wasn’t really all that strict, but I was going to visit Eric after work, and didn’t particularly want to show up in my black t-shirt, embroidered with the name of the bar in scarlet red with a little round circle around it, right above the right breast. I liked to go out of my way to look good for him.

I was in the staff room bathroom, which is right off the area where we eat and chill before and after work. The back staff room isn’t exactly a fun place to hang out, but it was comfortable enough for the employees. It had a couple of comfy chairs, a table to eat at, and a place to keep your belongings while at work. It looked like the rest of the pub – dark wooden siding half-way up the wall, and a dark scarlet red paint on the top, with notices and work information covering every empty space of the walls. I taking my dark chestnut hair down, shaking out of its tight ponytail and letting it fall messily to my shoulders, when John sauntered back with that side-grin of his.

John was one of the bartenders at work, and was the owner’s son (which meant he got away with a lot of things that he probably shouldn’t be able to). He was one of the first people to notice me and befriend me at work. At this point, I wasn’t overly shy around most of them anymore – I was slowly breaking out of my shell.

I smiled back at John, glancing over at him only briefly before returning my attention to the mirror in front of me. But he didn’t just sit down. He came up and leaned himself in the doorway, watching me closely. He still hadn’t wiped that silly grin off his face. I looked up at him, this time, grinning wider.

“Hey John,” I said slowly. “What’s up?” This was my attempt at small talk. Very generic.

“Going out with your boy-toy, I’m guessing.” He smiled mischievously at me.

“Yeah. I am actually.” I said, trying to finish my preening before I had to walk up to his apartment.

“That’s fun.” He said awkwardly. “How are you two love-birds doing?”

I grimaced.

“We’re great. Why do you ask?” I said, maybe a little too forcefully. In response, John held his hands up in defeat.

“Whoa, there,” He said innocently. “I’m sorry.”

I waved my hand dismissively.

“It’s okay,” I trailed off slightly, staring deeply at myself in the mirror, as if waiting for my reflection to dissipate. I tore my gaze away from myself, looking back at John, a pleading look in my eyes. “I’m just getting sick and tired of hearing this bullshit from everyone, you know? You’d think it’d get a little old. I think I know what I’m doing.”

I should have known better than to say that.

“I know, I know.” He said, still looking at me as if I had screamed at him, with that startled look. Deer in the headlights, almost. “You know we’re all just looking out for your safety. We only want to help.”

I thought for a moment.

“I know you guys are. And I do appreciate it.”

I paused again.

“But, I’m a big girl. I can make my own decisions.”

Again. Wish I hadn’t said that.

He nodded, and said foolishly: “Well, have a good night then, Kate.” He nodded again, and left the backroom. I finished getting ready quickly, and left work for the night.

When I knocked on the apartment door, Eric answered with that big, white-toothed smile of his, and invited me in. I smiled at him, and kissed him on the cheek as I brushed past him into the apartment.

I had been at his apartment before, but we hadn’t been dating that long, so it wasn’t this late at night – and it definitely had been more casual. We usually went out when we were together, instead of going to either apartment. (one of the things we had in common – a constant need to be doing something) The relationship had progressed since the last time I had been here.

He took my things and set them down on the bench in the hallway, and led me to the small living area.

His apartment was a bachelor, so he slept in his living room. But it was quaint and comfortable, and truly looked like a bachelor pad. Video games and CD’s were piled in random places, and a couple of well used guitars in the corner. There was an old, ragged couch against the wall that opened up into a bed, and a computer desk in the corner was slightly overflowing with snack-food wrappers. He rubbed the back of his neck as he looked down at me (yes, down, because I’m not a very tall girl), and he shrugged.

“Sorry about the mess. I didn’t really have time to clean up.” The place really wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t any worse than I had expected. After all. He was a university student.

I shrugged back. “It’s okay.”

He sat down on the couch and invited me to sit beside him. I sat with my legs curled up close to my torso, and cuddled into the crevice between his shoulder and his chest. He was about to play a video game.

I didn’t mind watching him, but it made me sleepy. He played some game I can’t even remember the name of, because I was too concentrated on him. I watched him play, my head cradled in his lap, staring up at his face. I studied it, not wanting to forget a curve or line; memorizing its shape. When he looked down, he smiled at me, warmth spreading into my lungs.

“What are you looking at?” He asked, his voice raspy and soft (I like to call it the sex voice, if you can understand why).

“I’m looking at you. Watching you play. You know, you make some pretty strange expressions.” I smiled playfully up at him.

And then he gave me the look.

My definition of the look is basically when you can see it in his eyes. The love, lust, or just pure caring from the person. And when they are thinking about that, it comes out in their eyes – in the look. His hand, which was now not occupied by a controller, moved slowly down to stroke my face, starting at my temple, and curving my jaw line to my chin, then back up again on the other side. I closed my eyes as his long fingers ran through my thick pile of dark hair, his touch so comforting that I was almost falling asleep.

And then… he kissed me.

I don’t really remember how it happened, or how long it lasted. It’s a shadow of a memory. His lips were soft and supple, and pouty and big, and he tasted oh so sweet, and I wanted to kiss him forever. I can remember that much. He was a poison, and I wanted more.

That was the moment I knew.

That was the moment I fell in love with him.

Phase One: The Beginning --- Mistake #1: Serious Relationship, or not so serious?

"It will all catch up eventually. Well, it caught up, and honestly, the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold." (Anon.)

Relationships: now there’s one thing I can say I’m an expert at. Back then, I couldn’t – not for a long time. You live, and you learn, they say. Back then, I made constant mistakes.

This was the beginning – the very start of every lesson I ever had, and every life experience. Everything I’ve learned about life, and about relationships. And I learned them from the mistakes I made (and still make frequently). And I made a lot of them.

It all started with Eric. Well, mostly it started with my new job.

It was summer – the hottest, stickiest summer I’d ever experienced. I had just finished my first year of university and decided to stay in the city to get a job instead of moving all the way back home. The city was sweltering and crowded, and I oh so loved it. I managed to get a full-time seasonal position at one of the pubs downtown, a job that I knew I could enjoy; also, the tips were a big plus. I’m not trying to be self-absorbed or anything, but I’m a pretty enough girl to get half-decent tips. Back then, I wasn’t so sure of that.

“Kieran’s Bar & Grill” was personally owned by Kieran Hennessy, and he was usually the one who ran the show – especially on busy nights. But he entrusted a few of us to be in charge on a couple of occasions, when he was out with his wife, or needed to go on a small vacation. When I got hired on for the summer, I got off to a shaky start.

Not that I’m usually an awkward person, not back then at least, but I was extremely shy. I couldn’t even approach someone back then without my cheeks blazing up in a fire, and my voice coming out in a small squeak. It didn’t help that I never was the outgoing person, and always had trouble making friends as a child and teenager. I was just too shy for some people’s liking, I guess. Besides, only the girls who are fun and outgoing get the guys. That’s one thing I never had experience with until this job – but that’s something I will tell you about later.

So, my first day (or should I say my first week) was rough. But, everyone who worked there was so nice to me. People talked to me, and helped me out, and I became friends with a lot of the people there fast. They were so accepting of me, it was startling. I had never fit into a group of friends ever before, I think I got caught up in the excitement.

There was this one boy who worked as a bouncer at the pub – Eric. He expressed an interest in me immediately. Actually, all the boys noticed me when I worked, which was new to me completely, but he came on the strongest. He asked me on a date weeks within meeting him. And, of course, I accepted. I was eager to get into the swing of adventure and excitement, and trying new things. Especially boys.

Not saying that I never had boyfriends. But, Eric… there was something completely different about him. My feelings seemed stronger for him than any other boy I’d ever been with.

He was my first love.

Our relationship was everything that first “serious” relationships are. I was swept away with the way he looked at me, the way he touched me – kissed me even. He took my breath away. His muscled arms, strong enough to sweep me off my feet, made me swoon like a teenage girl, and his eyes pierced into my soul whenever he looked at me. The way that tells you – I want you. I love you.

It wasn’t only the physical, either. It was personal on a whole new level. He got me, in a way. He knew how to get me out of my comfort zone. We would talk for hours on end on the phone about anything that came to our mind. We connected so well.

And then the drama started.

It wasn’t enough for me to start to date this guy from work, and have a work relationship (which I hear is a big no-no in the dating handbook), but then I had to hear from most everyone I worked with that I shouldn’t be dating him. They had to get involved.

At first, I thought, no way are they going to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life (or rather, shouldn’t). Not only had I only been working there for a month at this point, but I hardly knew some of them, and I also didn’t know Eric that well. I understood. They didn’t want me to get hurt. They said that he would use me, most likely for physical purposes, and then break my heart.

I knew right away that I could believe a few of them. Alix, for one, had become one of my best friends at work, and I could trust her opinion. But she told me the same thing. So, I decided against anyone’s interference.

I had this motto back then – try everything once. I told myself that first-hand experience is better than second-hand. You know, that I had to experience it to understand it. I still believe to an extent that it’s better to discover what’s good and bad for you along the road instead of being scared to experience it. If you screw up, you’ll learn from it. I told you I made a lot of mistakes, and that motto is probably why I did.

I convinced myself one night in my apartment what I would do. As I sat on my old worn out navy-blue couch with my journal in my lap, holding a hot, steaming cup of green tea, I ran through my options in my head, trying to separate my own logic to those who had given me their advice.

These were the things that ran through my head:

I’m going to just tell myself that this is different, because I believe it is.

We’ve talked about it, and I’ve explained to him what I feel comfortable with and what I don’t think I’d be able to do yet.

I really like him, and I’m not willing to give that up to be safe.

I want to be spontaneous and do things I’ve never done before. I want to do things that might not be good for me but will be right for me to do.

I feel like he’s what I need.

They all sounded like legitimate excuses. He was a nice guy – more than nice. He was charming. He was beautiful. I couldn’t get my mind off of him. I was falling for him fast.

This was only the beginning of my problems.

(Author's Note: This story is generally all true. Names of characters have been changed. All storyline and plot is written by yours truely.)