- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -

- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -
A life story, about bad decisions, mistakes, and lessons learned. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it - but it's always for a good cause.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mistake #8: Terrified & Excited

"We'll take a ride, just us alone. We'll find our answers on the road." (Goot)

Days went by. I sat and moped and simmered and sat. My feelings congealed and collected and overflowed. My thoughts didn't get anywhere. My brain was a jumbled mess of emotion.

All the things that I told myself - all the things that I tried to say to myself - didn't work. Everything I thought might help my problem only made it worse.

Okay. So I had a major crush on Simon.

Was there anything really -wrong- with that?

Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he was oblivious.

Maybe he did know.

Maybe he didn't feel the same way.

I told my brain to shut the fuck up.

I felt as though I was going to explode. As if all this feeling would drive me to the point of extinction. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to make a decision. Although, you all know me and decisions.

I was absolutely confused.

After about ten cups of green tea, and one hundred laps around my dorm-room style bedroom, I decided instead of moping and simmering that I would take action (in order for me to even make this decision I had to slap myself around a bit). And even after convincing myself what to do, I had to tell my stomach to stop flip-flopping all over the place when I got to work that night.

It was awful.

I walked in the doors, waving half-heartedly to the people on staff that night. It was supper-time, but it was also a tuesday night, so we didn't have much business. The few regulars in for a coffee, or a bite to eat. There were even a few loners at the bar, drinking their troubles away. I could relate - I would rather be doing that then confronting them.

Total random thought: isn't it funny how most people would rather run away from their problems than deal with them? It's almost easier to leave them all behind, and have a fresh start somewhere else with someone else. And here I was - me!! The one who makes all the mistakes? Yeah. That's me. Interesting, isn't it? That one of my decisions actually made sense?

It wasn't that I had made the right decision, either. I mean, who can really tell at the time of the decision making, right? And, really, are there any right-and-wrong decisions? Either way, you change something in your life - some aspect of your being - and, it will therefore change your future. Whatever you decide will impact what happens later on in your life.

That makes you wonder. What would have happened if I hadn't made that decision?

What would have happened if I had chosen not to tell Simon my feelings?

It probably wouldn't have made much a difference, really. This was a minor decision in my life. And one, that maybe in the long run, would have changed my life a lot. But I had decided that I liked Simon. And I wanted to become more than friends with him. I wish I had known him as well as I thought I had. But we'll get into that later on, I promise.

He saw me immediately as I came back into the kitchen. I looked up at him timidly. He smiled that wry grin of his, and my heart played tricks on me. I tried smiling back.

"Hey, Kate." He said as he wiped his hands on a cloth, and set it back on the counter.

"Simon." I nodded once. He furrowed his brows.

"What's up? Is there something wrong?" He closed the distance between us, and brushed a stray hair away from my face. I closed my eyes and tried not to breathe. Wow. Just wow.

"Uhh. Well. We need to talk."

He only nodded, not stepping away from me.

"Outside. Alone." I said awkwardly, avoiding his gaze.

"Sure. Yeah."

He followed me outside, and sat on one of the empty crates. I stood. I couldn't stand to sit. I was too nervous. And I needed to pace.

He watched as I walked back and forth, never looking at him.

"You seem so worked up." He said, amusement hiding in his eyes. I wanted to glare at him, but didn't dare look over there. Instead I crossed my arms, and kept walking.

"Listen. Simon." I said, ignoring his comment. "I... this is going to be hard for me to say to you. So... just bare with me." He just nodded.

I took a deep, -deep- breath.

"So. I've been thinking a lot lately. And... I'm not sure if you've noticed. But I've been acting a lot differently in front of you..."

He nodded again.

"It's because... well. You know. You've been so great to me these past few months. And you've driven me home from work multiple times. And you've talked with me, and let me vent to you about my problems, and given me some really good advice. And you've been a friend to me. And that's something that... I really needed. As much as I have friends - I do! I really do - they're just not as good as you've been to me. And... well."

He stopped me.

"I know. I know what you're saying."

I stood there, deadpanned.

"You... know?"

Okay. Maybe I had been the oblivious one. He wasn't being all cocky and smiling at me because he thought it was funny that I was all worked up. It was because he had known all along my feelings towards him. He had known. And I thought - oh, yeah, he'll totally know what the hell all these signs mean - but I didn't think that he would actually figure it out. Was I really that dense?

"Yeah. I do. I've known this whole time."

"You... have?"

God. Punch me in the face, please.

He got up from his crate, and came towards me. He was so close to me that I could smell his cologne. So close that I could feel his warmth. So close... that he placed his hand on my hip, his touch sending chills all the way up my spine. I looked up into his eyes, our noses almost touching.

"I feel the same way, Kate. And... actually," He laughed sadly. "I'm surprised you didn't notice. Because, I've liked you for a while. But."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.

"I knew there was going to be a 'but'."

His hand slid off my hip, and he backed away from me slowly, the warmth leaving from my skin. I was sad it was gone, but I didn't touch him.

"We just got out of serious relationships."

I nodded, waiting for him to finish.

"Mine... of a long, long time. Yours. Well. Of almost a long time. But..." He trailed off for a second, shaking his head. "Technically. You've been broken up with Eric for like, a few weeks? And me... about a month. Don't you think I'm just a rebound on you? Or... you're just a rebound on me?"

I frowned at him.

"No. You wouldn't be a rebound."

"How do you know?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "Because I just know, okay? Like... I don't know how to explain it. I know you wouldn't be a rebound. You're not just a crush. I... really like you, okay?"

He nodded again. But he didn't seem convinced.

"There's something else, isn't there?" I asked, clearly not happy how this conversation was going.

"Eric. He and I... we're pretty good friends, you know?"

I nodded again. "Yeah. You guys are friends."

"I... I don't know if I could do that to him. You know. It's like, a guy-rule. Don't date your friend's ex. It's like... a terrible thing to do. I don't want to hurt him. It would be like betraying him."

"I... I guess I understand." I swallowed hard.

He came closer again. I inhaled sharply.

He kissed my forehead.

I think my heart stopped beating.

"I'm sorry, Kate. But... we can't do this now."

I nodded stupidly.

He walked back inside.

Friday, March 4, 2011

I'm there - where are you?

"Take me away where the bright lights don't shine,
Where darkness engulfs, where it surrounds.
Where we can sit, and sink into the earth,
Hoping that we'll melt all of our troubles into the soil.
Let me touch my lips with yours, soft and sultry.
You can take my hand and we'll gaze at the sky;
The only light in this run down place.

Take me away where the ocean is endless.
Where we can bury our toes into the sand and salt.
Where the water aches in my bones and
The waves spray me with cold wetness.
I hope that you'll laugh when we carefully
Walk down the beach and I press my lips against your cheek.

Take me away: driving in your car,
The music so loud I can't concentrate -
But I don't need to, because
In that moment, I'm there."
(I'm there - where are you? - m. blaxland)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Phase Two: The Nightmare --- Mistake #7: Two and two together

“And I’ll say he never hurt me, and look at it as learning…” (Silverstein)

Everyone found out within weeks. And I hadn't told anyone. It was rapid fire
gossip, as if everyone had magically figured it out. I guess it wasn't that hard.

I was pretty mopey at first. The week after Eric and I had spoken for the last time, I sat at home and didn't talk to anyone. I was a hermit. I went to work, but wasn't all there mentally. One day, I even took a bath, and I just sat in the water, and bawled my eyes out. I don't know what came over me.

It's not like breaking up with Eric was a big deal - it wasn't like he had impacted me that much. I was over the relationship within that week. I guess it was just a shock that he had done the breaking up, and not me. I was ready - I had it all planned out. And he just changed everything that I thought I had figured out. Things seemed to go that way with Eric.

Because he had also kicked me out, I had very little time to find a new place. And because school had already started up, and it was mid-semester, there weren't very many places up for rent.

I ended up with a small, dingy apartment, shared with two other women. And I say women because they were both older than me. I was just turning nineteen at the time. One of the ladies had just moved from China, and was middle aged. She was a scientist. And also spoke very loud Mandarin-Chinese at all hours of the night -and- morning. We didn't speak much. She was pretty shy around me.

The other roommate was from France, and she was closer to my age - she was in her early twenties. And at first, as I said, I didn't really talk to anyone or go out anywhere. I was a hermit. But, as I lived there for longer periods of time, we talked more, and became pretty good friends.

Meanwhile, the apartment was a sketch place. I was paying a pretty damn good price for it, because it was within walking distance of my school, and I had gotten it at such short notice. But. It was dirty. There was no living space. The bedrooms looked like dorm rooms. The kitchen was the size of a small hallway. The bathroom had mold growing in it. The landlord was also a real jerk. But, what can you expect for so cheap in a city?

It was all I could do. I was just glad I -sorta- had my own place. Finally.

One night, I had accepted a drive home from Simon, once again.

It was like I was in elementary school all over again.

Of course we talked. I told him all about what had happened. He didn't have an opinion, this time.

I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked me, leaning over in his seat to stare at me, making me even more uncomfortable. I didn't look in his general direction.

"Yeah. Just... the break up. I'm taking it a lot rougher than I thought." I lied.

"Well, if you're sure that's all that's wrong." He didn't stop staring. "You know. Sarah and I broke up, too."

This caught my attention. I looked up at him abruptly, and immediately regretted it.

He looked over at me. His eyes pierced into mine.

"Things just weren't going well. She... well... she did some things to me that I'm not too happy to talk about." He ducked his head, fiddling with his fingers. I watched them, as if expecting them to do something interesting.

"I... I'm sorry to hear that." I really wasn't. My insides were jumping around excitedly. I told them to stop. It was making me nervous.

"Thanks. I appreciate it." He said to me, smiling so that the side of his mouth curved up playfully. It made my heart skip a beat. So I stopped looking.

We had stopped in front of my new apartment. We always just sat outside and talked - finshed our conversation. He didn't mind. I sure did, at this point.

"Thanks for the drive." I said without lifting my eyes towards him. "I should go inside."

And then. He took his hand, and placed his fingers lightly on my chin, and pulled it upwards so I would look at him. My cheeks blazed up, fiery hot. If he didn't notice that -or- any of the other signs, he was sure oblivious. He could put two and two together. He could probably figure it out.

"If you need anything... you have my number. Give me a call. Or message me." He looked at me with intense attention. Those all-knowing eyes. I looked downwards. "I know what you're going through. I want to help you, Kate."

Even the way he said my name-

I nodded.

"Thanks. I will. See you later, Simon." I stepped out of the car carefully, and practically ran into my apartment. I didn't know what to do.

Obviously, I had a giant crush on Simon. Why wouldn't I? He was there for me. He was being a great friend, someone I could tell anything to, and not expecting anything back. He was the only guy I could trust. He was one of my best friends at the time.

But, god. What were the consequences? As I knew so far, we had both just gotten out of serious relationships. Eric and I had been together for over a half a year. Simon and Sarah had been together for almost two years. They were getting very serious. And even if she had hurt him badly - however she had done so - he still probably had feelings for her. What did that mean for me?

And what was I going to do about it?

I didn't have the guts to tell him yet. I mean. Jeeze. Things with Eric had just happened. He had initiated everything. I had just sat there and 'acted pretty'. I didn't know how to start relationships. I didn't know anything - I was so fucking naiive.

Not to mention, it was a bad idea, so close to breaking up with our exes.

And. Also. Eric and Simon were pretty good friends. How would that effect their relationship?

I wanted so much to not care about it all.

But I wasn't the selfish type. I couldn't just set everything aside for myself. As much as I wanted to.

As much as I desired Simon. I couldn't do it.

Not yet.