- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -

- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -
A life story, about bad decisions, mistakes, and lessons learned. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it - but it's always for a good cause.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Mistake #9: Surrender

"Time is only wasted, so why wait for eventually?" (Alicia Keys)

For the next few weeks I was busy - really busy. I had no idea why, but for some strange reason my shifts at Kieran's had multiplied, and I was getting a lot more hours. Not only that, but I had school work coming out the ass. It was exam time, before christmas break, so I had a lot on my plate.

Which meant - I had no time to be stressed.

It was kind of nice.

Christmas break came quicker than I had expected, and I was going home to visit with my family. My mother and my father had been divorced for years, and my father had remarried. My mom lived closer than my dad did, and I usually spent more time at mom's over christmas break. I don't know why, though. I was always closer with my father than with my mother.

Mom only lived about a half-hour from town which made it really easy to travel back to my apartment if I ever needed anything. The only problem was that I didn't drive... so I needed to find someone to take me everytime I was going to visit.

One day over the break, our family had sat down for a movie night, which we do often. Mom had rented a few movies we hadn't seen before, and we'd bought snacks and drinks.

We had started watching this one movie - and were about half-way through it - when the phone rang. And, I don't know about you... but my mother has this thing with answering the phone. Even if we're watching a movie, she has to answer it, like it might be some big important news or something.

It was for me.

I was confused... because I didn't know who it might be. It wasn't like I had any big plans, other than working in a few days. But. It caught me completely off guard.

I answered the phone.

"Hey, Kate?" a girl said on the other line.

"Alix?" I asked, confused out of my mind. "Are you calling from work... ?"

"Yeah. Uh." She paused awkwardly. "Can you talk to Simon?"

I paused this time.

"Does he need something? Why didn't he just call me himself?" I laughed slightly, not completely convinced that it was funny.

"Uh. Well. No." She seemed distracted. "Just.... uh. Talk to him. Distract him."

There was some jumbling noises, as if the phone was being passed around.

"Hello?" A very raspy voice said on the other end.

"Simon? Are you okay?"

"Uh. Fine. Just..." He trailed off. "Say something. Anything. Make me laugh."

He spoke quickly, in a hurry. I wondered if he had some axe murderer after him, and just -had- to call me to make sure I was okay. Scratch that thought.

"Well... I don't really know what to say..." I said, searching my mind desperately for words. I was so bad under pressure.


He sounded desperate.

"Uhh. Well. Obviously. I'm home now, at my mom's." I said stupidly. I sound so dumb sometimes. "It's movie night, so we rented a few... Pan's Labyrinth? Have you seen that one?"

I didn't wait for him to answer. All I could hear was his breathing on the other line.

"It's not too bad. It's extremely gorey, if you like that kind of stuff. I mean... I don't mind gore. I'm not a pansy, or anything." I laughed awkwardly. "It's a little depressing, though, so... not really a happy-go-lucky kinda movie, you get me?"

There was silence for a few moments, the steady beat of my heart loud in my ears.

"Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for?" I asked, still slightly confused, but also feeling slightly strange. I really didn't understand what was going on.

"I'm... sorry for bothering you."

"Simon. Wait. What happened?" I asked again. Still with the questions.

"I'm alright. My ex... just is a pain in the ass. She was really starting to aggravate me, so... I needed to calm down." He paused for a moment. "You seemed to do that pretty well."

"Well. Good. I'm glad I was some sort of help." I smiled on the phone, although I knew he couldn't see it. I'm sure he could hear it in my voice, though.

He put Alix back on the phone.

"What was that all about?" I asked her. Obviously I wasn't going to take Simon's word for it that he was okay.

She let out a long, stressful breath.

"Long story short? Sarah came into work tonight with a bunch of Simon's friends... I guess they still all hang out. Anyways. They had all been drinking. Sarah decided to kiss Greg on the lips... right in front of him. Simon freaked... yelled at her for a bit, made a big scene, so I made him stop and come back to sit in the staff room to calm himself. He nearly punched me right in the face! I was so nervous. I tried to calm him down... I just..."

"He tried to punch you? What?" I was appalled.

"Well. He looked like he was going to punch me in the face... but he punched the cupboard beside my face. There's a giant dent.... yeah. It's all a little messed up." She sounded a little shaken up.

"You're okay?"

"Yeah, Kate. I'm fine. Thanks."

"It's the least I can do to help out. Jeeze, I didn't realize that -that- was what was going on!"

She laughed a little on the other line.

"Yeah. Drama central up here! Sorry for bothering you."

"I'm really glad you did." I smiled, and shook my head.

"Have fun at home, see you when you get back."

"Thanks Alix. Bye."

After hanging up the phone, I felt happy. Maybe I shouldn't have been happy, but I was. I had helped out without even knowing it. And maybe... just maybe, I didn't have to give up on Simon yet. Maybe he might just come around.

I know. Giving up on my awesome plans? On my independence? I do that a lot. I'm an idiot.

But really, who doesn't surrender to affection?

There are a lot of lonely people out there. And I'm one of them.

Surrender was easy. Surrender was safe. Surrender was a terrible idea.

And I let it happen.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I don't want to need at all.

"Let's take away all of our senses and if we still feel then maybe it wasn't so worthless." (Anon.)

My shift started, and I definitely wasn't in the mood to work. After the conversation I just had, you can't blame me. I tried not to spend too much time around him. But the worst part was trying to act like everything was okay. I'm okay at lieing, but not at hiding my feelings. Especially not that.

I'm so easy to read, I'm an open book.

A lot of people noticed.

Automatically, Alix came up to me and asked me what was up - and I had to tell her everything. Everything about our conversation, and our friendship. She was surprised.

On the other hand... John wasn't. And he told me, again, to watch my back. I shrugged it off.

"How can you like... Simon? I mean... no offense or anything. But he's like, totally not my type." Alix said, wrinkling her nose. She was adorable.

"Yeah. Weird. You like Simon." John said. "I'm not surprised though."

"Why?" I asked John.

"Just... seems like something you would do." He laughed awkwardly.

I quirked a brow. Really. I didn't think I was -that- predictable.

John lifted his hands in defeat.

"I didn't mean that as an insult! Jeeze. Don't give me the glare of death, there, Kate."

Alix and I laughed.

"Well. No need to worry about it, I guess." I said, very unimpressed. "He won't do anything about it." I lowered my voice talking about it. "He said it'd be like betraying Eric or something. So I just have to suck it up and try to get over him, I guess." I shrugged.

The rest of the night went awfully slow. I was sent home early, which was great because then I could refuse a ride home with Simon. I wasn't exactly in the mood to see him, you know? I kind of just wanted my alone time. I was also worried that I might start moping and simmering again. And god knows I didn't want to do that again.

As I walked home, the quiet of the winter surrounded me. The cold air nipped at my nose and my fingertips, and tiny flakes sprinkled from the sky like confetti. It was almost calming.

And I realized one of those little simple things of life. People worry too much. They stress out and they forget the simple pleasures of life - like the smell of freshly mowed grass on a sunny summer day. Or the beauty of the night sky, a shooting star soaring across, lighting up the darkness. The snow falling on a dark, cold night - peaceful, beautiful, and calming.

It was nice to just stop... and see the world. Shut my brain off. Look around me. Watch the earth, nature, and the simplicity of it all. And realize how small my problems really were.

I shook my head, and walked the rest of the way home, kicking off my snowy shoes in the entryway of the attic apartment, and went to the kitchen to boil the kettle. I needed tea. It was my new addiction.

As I was steeping a large mug of chai-green tea, my roommate Celestine walked into the kitchen. I didn't know her that well, but she was always so cheerful and friendly towards me. I smiled a big, surprisingly happy smile at her. She smiled back, and said with that cute little accent:

"Hello, Kate. How are you?"

I kinda shrugged. "Not really the best. But, trying to keep positive. What about you?"

She sighed, her breath blowing her curly bangs away from her face.

"So stressed. Teaching down here is a lot of work." She giggled femininely. "But I enjoy it. It keeps me busy!"

I nodded at her, suddenly at a loss of words.

"Hey, listen. I was wondering..." She started slowly, her cheeks blushing a little pink color. "A few of my friends and me are going out to a cute little pub down the street. I wondered if you wanted to come?"

I smiled at her, but shook my head.

"Maybe not tonight. I've got quite a bit of homework. But... definitely another time! I'd like to hang out with you."

She nodded sadly, but smiled.

"Okay. That is fine. I will come find you next time!!"

After she walked back into her room, I went to mine and locked the door, and curled up in bed with a big comfy blanket, and pulled out a book.

I wasn't going to worry about these feelings anymore. I was going to let them stay or leave. Whatever they wanted to do. I hated those conflicting feelings: being terrified and excited at the same time. Terrified that it might not happen, and excited of the chance that it would. It was time to just stop stressing - stop thinking about it.

In someone's own special words: I was just going to 'go with the flow'.

Sometimes... in certain situations, only... it works.

In this case, it kind of did.