- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -

- the worst decisions make the best mistakes -
A life story, about bad decisions, mistakes, and lessons learned. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it - but it's always for a good cause.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Mistake #8: Terrified & Excited

"We'll take a ride, just us alone. We'll find our answers on the road." (Goot)

Days went by. I sat and moped and simmered and sat. My feelings congealed and collected and overflowed. My thoughts didn't get anywhere. My brain was a jumbled mess of emotion.

All the things that I told myself - all the things that I tried to say to myself - didn't work. Everything I thought might help my problem only made it worse.

Okay. So I had a major crush on Simon.

Was there anything really -wrong- with that?

Maybe he didn't know. Maybe he was oblivious.

Maybe he did know.

Maybe he didn't feel the same way.

I told my brain to shut the fuck up.

I felt as though I was going to explode. As if all this feeling would drive me to the point of extinction. I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to make a decision. Although, you all know me and decisions.

I was absolutely confused.

After about ten cups of green tea, and one hundred laps around my dorm-room style bedroom, I decided instead of moping and simmering that I would take action (in order for me to even make this decision I had to slap myself around a bit). And even after convincing myself what to do, I had to tell my stomach to stop flip-flopping all over the place when I got to work that night.

It was awful.

I walked in the doors, waving half-heartedly to the people on staff that night. It was supper-time, but it was also a tuesday night, so we didn't have much business. The few regulars in for a coffee, or a bite to eat. There were even a few loners at the bar, drinking their troubles away. I could relate - I would rather be doing that then confronting them.

Total random thought: isn't it funny how most people would rather run away from their problems than deal with them? It's almost easier to leave them all behind, and have a fresh start somewhere else with someone else. And here I was - me!! The one who makes all the mistakes? Yeah. That's me. Interesting, isn't it? That one of my decisions actually made sense?

It wasn't that I had made the right decision, either. I mean, who can really tell at the time of the decision making, right? And, really, are there any right-and-wrong decisions? Either way, you change something in your life - some aspect of your being - and, it will therefore change your future. Whatever you decide will impact what happens later on in your life.

That makes you wonder. What would have happened if I hadn't made that decision?

What would have happened if I had chosen not to tell Simon my feelings?

It probably wouldn't have made much a difference, really. This was a minor decision in my life. And one, that maybe in the long run, would have changed my life a lot. But I had decided that I liked Simon. And I wanted to become more than friends with him. I wish I had known him as well as I thought I had. But we'll get into that later on, I promise.

He saw me immediately as I came back into the kitchen. I looked up at him timidly. He smiled that wry grin of his, and my heart played tricks on me. I tried smiling back.

"Hey, Kate." He said as he wiped his hands on a cloth, and set it back on the counter.

"Simon." I nodded once. He furrowed his brows.

"What's up? Is there something wrong?" He closed the distance between us, and brushed a stray hair away from my face. I closed my eyes and tried not to breathe. Wow. Just wow.

"Uhh. Well. We need to talk."

He only nodded, not stepping away from me.

"Outside. Alone." I said awkwardly, avoiding his gaze.

"Sure. Yeah."

He followed me outside, and sat on one of the empty crates. I stood. I couldn't stand to sit. I was too nervous. And I needed to pace.

He watched as I walked back and forth, never looking at him.

"You seem so worked up." He said, amusement hiding in his eyes. I wanted to glare at him, but didn't dare look over there. Instead I crossed my arms, and kept walking.

"Listen. Simon." I said, ignoring his comment. "I... this is going to be hard for me to say to you. So... just bare with me." He just nodded.

I took a deep, -deep- breath.

"So. I've been thinking a lot lately. And... I'm not sure if you've noticed. But I've been acting a lot differently in front of you..."

He nodded again.

"It's because... well. You know. You've been so great to me these past few months. And you've driven me home from work multiple times. And you've talked with me, and let me vent to you about my problems, and given me some really good advice. And you've been a friend to me. And that's something that... I really needed. As much as I have friends - I do! I really do - they're just not as good as you've been to me. And... well."

He stopped me.

"I know. I know what you're saying."

I stood there, deadpanned.

"You... know?"

Okay. Maybe I had been the oblivious one. He wasn't being all cocky and smiling at me because he thought it was funny that I was all worked up. It was because he had known all along my feelings towards him. He had known. And I thought - oh, yeah, he'll totally know what the hell all these signs mean - but I didn't think that he would actually figure it out. Was I really that dense?

"Yeah. I do. I've known this whole time."

"You... have?"

God. Punch me in the face, please.

He got up from his crate, and came towards me. He was so close to me that I could smell his cologne. So close that I could feel his warmth. So close... that he placed his hand on my hip, his touch sending chills all the way up my spine. I looked up into his eyes, our noses almost touching.

"I feel the same way, Kate. And... actually," He laughed sadly. "I'm surprised you didn't notice. Because, I've liked you for a while. But."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.

"I knew there was going to be a 'but'."

His hand slid off my hip, and he backed away from me slowly, the warmth leaving from my skin. I was sad it was gone, but I didn't touch him.

"We just got out of serious relationships."

I nodded, waiting for him to finish.

"Mine... of a long, long time. Yours. Well. Of almost a long time. But..." He trailed off for a second, shaking his head. "Technically. You've been broken up with Eric for like, a few weeks? And me... about a month. Don't you think I'm just a rebound on you? Or... you're just a rebound on me?"

I frowned at him.

"No. You wouldn't be a rebound."

"How do you know?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "Because I just know, okay? Like... I don't know how to explain it. I know you wouldn't be a rebound. You're not just a crush. I... really like you, okay?"

He nodded again. But he didn't seem convinced.

"There's something else, isn't there?" I asked, clearly not happy how this conversation was going.

"Eric. He and I... we're pretty good friends, you know?"

I nodded again. "Yeah. You guys are friends."

"I... I don't know if I could do that to him. You know. It's like, a guy-rule. Don't date your friend's ex. It's like... a terrible thing to do. I don't want to hurt him. It would be like betraying him."

"I... I guess I understand." I swallowed hard.

He came closer again. I inhaled sharply.

He kissed my forehead.

I think my heart stopped beating.

"I'm sorry, Kate. But... we can't do this now."

I nodded stupidly.

He walked back inside.

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