Mistake #5: Dispute vs. Desire

“Could I forget about the way it feels to touch you? Or all about the good things that we’ve been through?” (Carrie Underwood)

I got inside my apartment, after thanking Simon for the drive and the advice, leaning against the door after unlocking it, and sighing heavily. I threw my clothes in the same heap I'd been collecting for weeks, and sat on my bed.

I knew what I was going to do.

I picked up the phone, and dialed his number.

"Hey," I said when he answered the phone.

"Kate," His voice smiled as he did. "Hey."

There was silence.

"I really miss you." I tell him.

"I miss you too." He said quietly. I could tell he meant it, but my voice got ahead of my mind.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. I'm miserable without you, Kate." He didn't even sound 'dissappointed' anymore. My emotions melted as I slumped back into the bed, grinning like a little school girl.

And this is where everything changed.

Everything that I had figured out in my mind, all the decisions I had just made minutes before fell to the ground like glass, shattering to a million pieces.

I knew doing what was right was the -right- thing to do. But, what about me? Where did I get happiness from all of this? What if I really did miss him, and want him back? What if this was all mixed up in my head, and -this- was the right thing to do?

Instead of listening to honor, I listened to desire.

And this is where I end up making the wrong decision. Didn't I mention something like that?

"Why aren't we together right now?" He didn't say anything. "I mean... it makes sense. If we're both miserable without each other. If we still love each other. What's holding us back, you know?"

"That's true."

I continued, going on a tangent.

"You know, this whole week's purpose was to determine whether I could do it without you. Whether being broken up was a good idea, or whether it would just make me unhappy. I mean. I did it, without my life being a total mess. But I missed you every minute of everyday." I sighed.

Then I continued.

"To tell you the truth, I was going to break up with you tonight. End it all now." I took a deep breath, trying not to pause for too long. "But, now that you're here, talking to me, it's a whole different story. It's like all my decisions melted into the cracks. Everything I thought I wanted wasn't anything I wanted at all." I paused briefly again. "I want you. That's what I want."

He didn't say anything. He sounded too quiet.

"Maybe we should get back together. What do you think?"

"I don't know." He told me after a moment of hesitation. "Do you think we should?"

"We could give it a second chance. We could try again. It wouldn't hurt, would it?"

He was silent for a minute.

"Okay. Let's try again, then." He said casually.

I smiled widely.

"Okay."

All my emotions spilled over the cup, and now I was left to clean up the mess.



Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I not made this decision. Desire overrules everything. I guess I'll never know.

"You can paint over any mistake, but you can't remove the orignal thing." (Anon.)